Paralyzed

I haven't been able to write..sleep..talk...remember..for a long time now..
I feel paralyzed..I feel numb..and it feels great.
'cause for the first time I feel nothing
'cause I couldn't allow myself  to fall apart again.
 I am paralyzed with regret...
That night you  anaesthetised me with your lips , touch,hands, smell, look.Emptiness
 Since that night I wasn't able to breathe...I still feel your hands touching my skin in a way that no  one has  ever had..
And your greenish eyes watched me in such a vicious way that I recall everytime I close my eyes.
I watched you sleep and believe me , you looked so purely innocent and I just kept imagining who could  have hurt you in the past...who turned  you into this heartless person that you are today...
And because I was in pain myself instead of making you whole again I broke you into a thousand more little pieces .The truth is I only thought of you as being just a cure for me and I never thought that I would destroy both of us in the process.
I wish I loved you better.