Feel

I did feel you..
Your look..your smell..your touch.your skin..every word......real or not I did feel,every second of it..every lie..and every promise...every disappointment that hurt like hell...every forgiveness and every promise that it won't happen again and it did..every time..and the pain only grew because of your constant promise that you would  change...and I believed in you..but can I now?how can I trust you?how can I believe what you say?it feels like torture.

Gone

There's no story line here...only a few thoughts that have gathered on a piece of paper..meaningless..pointless thoughts..
I have come to realize that being lost was the best thing that could ever happen..Facing the dark was the  best  thing that could ever happen..We need to grow..to become a better version..to learn that life is not always fair..that most things don't happen the way you expect them to...that sometimes your best friends hate you and envy you for no reason..You need to understand betrayal in its worst form..That nothing lasts forever..And all you can do is set some boundaries..burn some bridges and move on..Life doesn't wait for you and your heartbreak  and in order to heal a wound you need to stop touching it..you need some quiet..away from the fuss..away from the drama and the people who creat it...

Love

Love.Promises...Betreyal...Experience..Forgiveness...Sex..Breathless...Cigarettes...Nights....Memories....
.Spring..7...Hurt...Lost...Night Stands...Strong ..Music...Wine ..Drama ..Green eyes...Brown eyes...You..Yes..Both of you..Mistakes.Tired
  
I don't even know how to begin...It's  been so much..like far too much..And I haven't been able to put the piesces together..I loved someone  who didn't love me back and I hurt someone who did  love me because I was too  broken to feel anything....And now that it's all over i can finally see the big picture of everything...or at least I pretend to see it bcause everything is so fucked up...I have lost my ability to feel because I did feel too much...It's a blessing and a curse..And I can't be honest..not even in my writings..I really need to see the road that is in front of me and I need to stop looking back to  memory lane cause what is done is done...You can't go back..you can't change what you did and who you were...I feel that I really need to forgive myself for being naive...for trusting too much..for seeing only the good in people.I really need to move on and forget about you because I deserve more..

Paralyzed

I haven't been able to write..sleep..talk...remember..for a long time now..
I feel paralyzed..I feel numb..and it feels great.
'cause for the first time I feel nothing
'cause I couldn't allow myself  to fall apart again.
 I am paralyzed with regret...
That night you  anaesthetised me with your lips , touch,hands, smell, look.Emptiness
 Since that night I wasn't able to breathe...I still feel your hands touching my skin in a way that no  one has  ever had..
And your greenish eyes watched me in such a vicious way that I recall everytime I close my eyes.
I watched you sleep and believe me , you looked so purely innocent and I just kept imagining who could  have hurt you in the past...who turned  you into this heartless person that you are today...
And because I was in pain myself instead of making you whole again I broke you into a thousand more little pieces .The truth is I only thought of you as being just a cure for me and I never thought that I would destroy both of us in the process.
I wish I loved you better.

All good things come to an end.

I can't relate but I do miss you..more than yesteday and less than tomorrow..It's like an epiphany..why do people cheat, steal and lie?Why do people hurt each other?Just be true to who you are..'cause if you can't be that..I don't know what you could be.Just because somone hurt you in the past that doesn't mean you have to rip out souls only because you don't know who you are or what you feel.

Eternity

He managed to remember every line from each curve ,the way he used his fingers to play the music of eternity between her ribs..every space, every line,just like a well defined map ,such delight!
She managed to remember his husky voice,the bitter sweet vocals that made her tramble like in  the most terrifying winters, his smooth touch that  made her melt and tremble in the same time ,his lips tasted like tobacco,maybe that's why she started smooking ,to feel his presence even when he was not there..
How foolish!He made her  feel heaven and hell all at once ,He gave her something to remember, something to feel ,something she hadn't experienced before, it was magic,a magic that was so unreal,she became an addict.An addict of his touch, smell,presence.
But after a while her heaven drifted away..That's when everything started..
Eternity lasted for  a second and it was not enough..Not enough and that's when she realized that he was just the devil disguised and she was just too much for him..

Lies

Empty
That is just a familiar feeling..
Just like a void..that cannot be filled..
Not with words ,not with promises, not with memories.
Words and promises that meant nothing
Memories that were mostly lies..
I was begining to ask myself why do people lie so often?
Do they just sound better?
Is it the thrill that someone is foolish enough to believe in you?
Is it the ecstasy?Is it like a drug?
Seeing the other powerless?
I wish I knew how to hate you..
I wish I stopped hating everything else and let you go..
It feels that nothing is ever enough..nothing feels right..even if it seems right..it's not..
It feels that everything's  out of control...

Alive

You just give me enough just to keep me alive..
Same words...different  character..
What is it that you want?
The thought that I am always going to be here..
Neglected ..unreversed..
Nothing's perfect..and enough..
This ain't love..maybe torture...
I feel stuck..not being able to move..not forward and not backwards..
Are you really worthy?
Same old..same old..
It's just consuming...
It just burns
You are just like an addiction..
The only thing that sets you free is the thing that causes you pain..
And you can't have them both..
Not anymore.

Reality

"Clear your head"-he whispears while she was getting dressed..
"I never meant it you know" he was smiling , just like a predator when he finally got what he wanted.
"I never meant to break your heart , love,I just never thought you had one"
She wasn't even gazing at his words but that one word made her  lungs stop breathing,and her heart stopped beating for a second .From his voice the word sounds different..her brain couldn't percept the stimuli in order to understand the message..It was just one word..that maybe didn't mean a thing. just like any other words he whispeared to her ear that made her melt.
It was his voice..his tone .. the dazzling vocals that felt like the most bitter-sweet symphony.
She knew..it was time to leave, it became too real this time.And reality wasn't her thing.

Maps that lead to nowhere

Today ..was  just another day .ordinary in other words..
Ordinary..what a word..fancy I  might consider..
Empty..with my bare fingers pressing the letters on my laptop..
As if they could feel my empty thoughts..
What a shame they are not as bare as they appeared to be..
I thought that I was going to finish my post by the time the smoke from my cigarette would fade..
But the truth is ..I kept starring at the empty page...without a vague idea of how was I going to describe my feelings this time..
I feel lost in a world, where  the letters keep running in a peristaltic manner and I can't manage to catch them..and to put them in the right order
I can't put the map together..not this time..I can't  seem to find the X that marks the spot..not this time..I keep moving but without a destination..without a familiar face to rely on..
I kept wondering ...how could I believed you?
Words are just words without a meaning ..And I know you tried to keep them tight in your arms but they still managed to run away.
You needn't have promised me the moon and the stars because during the day they tend to hide from the crystal blue sky and all you have left is nothing.
My only regret was believing in you ,but i won't make the same mistake twice.

Overrated

Overrated...everything is overrated.. words, smiles and even actions..
There's nothing fair.. not even tears are fair anymore.
Is it wrong to feel lost in a moment you thought you had everything?
Happiness is lethal...
I have never been  good with lies..
I have never been good at dealing with them..
They call it naivety and maybe innocence...but is it so wrong to trust?
Is it so wrong to believe in honesty?
One thing  is certain...autumn dictates my destiny..
A skinny love will never last..maybe for a moment...lost 
Your love is already wasted...

Au revoir

Is it the thrill?
The anger?
A smile that makes you melt faster than a popsicle on a hot  summer day..
Fairytales don't always have a  happy ending, do they?
Tell me, is there something to gain from  this story?
A recycled heart and a broken smile  ..and nothing more..
She finally understood, there was nothing left of this story....not even the good parts, they have all fade away , carried away by the wind maybe to another now..maybe in ten years' time they'll meet again at their old place, maybe they won't even recognise eachother   or maybe they'll be brought to life again but trust me ,that would be unlikely..
For now she should just pack her things and go, but the coffin of memories shall remain behind , burried  in a tight place, a small place , forgotten because she'll want to return whenever she's afraid of the dark .But not this time ,she can't bring flowers to the grave ,not until she's ready to come back ..The only thing she needs is her red lipstick to conquer the world.The door slams.
It's time to go now ,she doesn't want to miss the plane again.
There's no coming back.

Tell me

Tell me,
What makes you so special?.
Is it your long curly brown hair?
or your ocean-like eyes?.
or maybe your perfectly curved lips?
is it the smell cinnamon that is imprinted on your skin?
or the air of mystery that you leave behind everytime you pass him by?

Is it the hunger?The high?The past?The nostalgia?The crave for a body to possess?
 A dose of ecstasy  whenever you desire to fly..
.Just like a drug-addict you keep on asking for more ...
Forever more...

question?

Too late

The mirror shows you someone..someone that you used to know...a beauty that in the moonlight overthrows you..a reminiscence of a slander of someone familiar in a way or another..
Is it someone you used to know from another life or another now?
Your questions remained unanswered
You used to runaway from everything that scared you...You used to  blame the destiny and curse the faith that wouldn't leave your sight when he was gone..You hoped in your twisted mind that maybe he'll return..
"How  foolish of you!"whispered your own reflection , "he did come back , but you don't need him anymore".It's too late...

Much more

One day you wake up and everything is gone..
The ache, the pain ,the grief are no longer there
you wake up with the thought that everything is crystal clear
Everything made sense and everything happend for a reason
The reason I don't know today maybe someday
But one thing is for  sure ,you deserve better
Not better but the best
you deserve someone to cherish  and to believe in you
You deserve to be  more than just the other woman
You have more than cherry lips and  flawless skin
And I know it was hard to undress the tattoed kisses and marks that were printted on it
But you need to understand that sometimes things get out of fashion
You have more than just a pair of green eyes because they only reminded him of the dazzling seas
but he couldn't see the chaoes that was behind those stunning lashes..a hurricane that he was unable to see
I know you will be alright .

Certain words

Sweet Words are still words...that most of the time don't mean a thing, but they keep haunting you in the cold nights
Tones of expectations that are only brought to life during the majestuous nights
There come nights in which you could anethetize your heart..maybe for a second , not to feel, not to think and most of all not to hope.. or maybe hope is what keeps us alive.
one thing is clear
I adored you in  more ways that you could ever imagine..

Choices

Days..weekes..months
And nothing happens
nothing gets better and nothing gets worse
it feels like time stands still without any  warning
it feels hopeless
unfair and wrong
The story was not meant to be this way
She was drawn to the wrong story as usual
She made the wrong choice again
What a surprise..

Eternity

Forever feels like an eternity..
A dull nonsens of events that might never occure..
The echo of voices that lays against my skin just like a  feather ..
Soft in an angelic manner
Your voice lingers with every vowel that gives color to every word you speak
A bitter-sweet harmony that cuts worse than the sharp knives..
Merciless, you open my chest without the fear that I might die in the proces
You are  just trying to find that piece of you that was missing
But  to your astonishment it was long gone..
or maybe it was never here

Actors

Songs  from the unknown
Whispers that keep on remembering us the things we wished we forgot..
Like a movie that has been running in the cinema for ages..
without an audience..without a public..without someone to watch the awful scenes full of hope and despair in the same time..
The memory of you keeps on coming into flashes before my eyes...
"a memory" that I am not sure it's even real becase it feels overrated

It feels that you have never been here..
Not even your ghost or your shadow...there are no prints that belonged to you..
Not even  a stamp of your touch..
 
Everyone of the spectators that witnessed  the scenes would tell you that the plot was badly written and the actors were not even engaged in the story.But She would tell you otherwise.the story of her life.