Surprises...

The diary of secrets

Today I learned that the candle doesn't burn stiff and still..that nothing lasts forever ...even the flame ends at a certain point and it takes a special lighter to bring her back to life...
Everything ends and it doesn't actually have a happy ending ..A kiss,a song,a story,a vow, a promise,a feeling...everything ends far too fast and you are dragged back to reality..YOUR cruel reality..
I guess sometimes it's ok to forget...to move on but when you're the one forgotten it doesn't feel the same...it was part of you for a while...for a while you cared ...and you feel that your inside is being powdered with salt and you're supposed to ignore the pain and pretend to be happy because you had your chance and you didn't take it....but yet you can't accept it...The wind carries the ashes away..remaining just an empty space ...you simply know that you can't fill it..There's no going back..but I'll always ask myself:"What happened here?"I hope your wishes upon the falling stars come true..And yet...you'll never know that you meant more than just a summer love that ended before it even started properly..Yet I'll always be there for you..even in the shadow

Never here..

Nonsens..no drama..not hatred...no feelings...no immortality...not joy...not even a soul that can menace your peace ..your thoughts..just a few sorrows that come once in a while to remember... of who you used to be,what you used to have ,the moments that ended too soon and you didn't get the chance to appreciate them at their true value....And it's funny that in a second we are here...and within a glance we are gone...as if we were never here..you didn't exist ..you are just a memory in someone's heart ..wasted ..forgotten you will remain a shadow ...

Can you hear them?

Can you hear them?Can you feel them?they're here..a step ahead..but here..near to us..This feeling of grace, joy, luxury, glamour...of trying to be better..to please everyone...the warmth from your heart  to embrace the whole world..to make everyone as happy as you are...But during this period I can't help it..not to think of the poor..who just have eachother instead of all thease  extravagances..who are simply praying   for something to eat and a warm bed...and it keeps bothering me...that maybe I have too many things that I don't deserve ..because God...I can be soooo self-centred sometimes...How about thouse  little children at the orphanage..I mean they have  no one...lonely in this world..with no one to wipe your tears..no one to hold you in his arm and promise you that everything is going to be alright..no loving  parents...not a huge Christmas tree..no presents..nothing at all...how can they survive?I couldn't survive without the ones I love...especially my parents ...i couldn't live without them...And you know this year I made a lot of mistakes..and honestly in  this holidays I can hear a loud noise...a thing menacing  my peace-Sadness....Sadness because i am so ungrateful for everything and i don't value things as  i should...i take everything for granted and it's unfair...everyone should  have  their dreams and wishes fulfilled for Christmas..for everyone to believe  in magic,in miracles....but we don't live in fairytales...Christmas lost its meaning for others because of their disgrace...

Excuses

Sitting there...in a lonely corner...watching..staring...analyzing..no one knowing your true reasons..your true story...not even being noticed ..or being noticed but ignored...watching them..with a big sorrow in your heart..with your eyes filled with tears...just thinking..looking at something..but in fact at nothing..Sadness??-no,no,  not actually...fear maybe...rejection...trying to understand your actions, your thoughts,your reactions...how come we don't appreciate the people that deserve it?why don't we stand for what we want?how come we know the results before we do the actions?how come i'm always failing in every aspect of my life?how ome i never succed in anything?how come i only make mistakes?how come i only follow the result instead of the way?how come i never make it?no matter how hard i try....i simply want to scream..but the echo is not loud enough to be heard

Facts

A certain anxiety will anguish you making you feel that your heart has been splashed with white wine..as if your thoughts are out-of-control...powdered with drains of shadows ..menacing your ironic way of seeing things...they're like in a thick fog and when you feel you get closer "pooff" they vanish into thin air...remaining just a second the question:"what if..?" and yes..i do feel misunderstood..because everyone has expectations..tones of expectations..to be PERFECT.to never  be wrong..never  have a bad day..never get angry ..never be mad..always be kind ,patient,loving....damn society

Desires

i know maybe it will sound like a clishee but everyone of us has a strong desire and a weak point deep down in their soul...we just need to dig deep enough to see it..to open the burried treasure and see what gotta see..not what you hope to find....Fear..that's my biggest drawback..the fear of failure...the fear of making mistakes...fear of hatred..fear of pain....I just can't say it outloud...that i'm afraid of making the same mistakes over and over again....At this certain point i feel lost....i can't distinguish between good and bad...right or wrong...it's hilarious that i'm soo good whith theory but i'm the worst in practising ..i can't show my feelings ....i can't even handle all this drama..i don't even know wich path to take....What's the right way?I am lost....like i've never been before...Trapped in this labyrinth of hopes dreams and faith

The way to succeed..

-E.E. Cummings once wrote: 'To be nobody but yourself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.'

Stamp of innocence

College..it doesn't actually have a straight definition .For me , college develops somehow a wide maturity that comes ahead from the deepest parts of our soul , by facing some "age-problems".It's called the"passing" from being a rebelious teenager to a wise adult, knowing how to face your problems and never backdown from something you trully want.
Waking  up, by walking down the avenue you will feel that the centre of your heart will get hard and you will be gringing a sense of fear and loneliness..
You will have to build-up your own self-confidence and make your bit by surviving this world without your family and your old friends.
A sudden anxiety will anguish you making you feel like screaming in as a sort of ecstasy at the thought of having too many things to do in a shortrage of time .but if you study more and party less you will make it..
For me college meant a lot..the place  I met disappointement, joy freedom and myself...I must say they've been the best years of my life , oldies but goldies..I established my path in life and if you manage to ballance your life and choices you will succeed.Trust your dreams and hopes

Enough with excuses

I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did,
Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left
I am sick, whiskey-dick, no more battles for me
You'll be calling a trick, cause you'll no longer sleep
I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone
I'll laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home 

I believe you have an issue I hope you'll fix it soon!

Desolated streams..

Due to a feeling or other the scars remain.no matter what..no matter who.it's something you have printted down in the bottom of your heart.Stretched ..glued..hidden in the sand..covered with huge stones ..waiting for the dusty rain to burry it away..A flash of a memorie..Insignificant at first  but lets face it ..you still can't let it go..Time passes and i'm conscious that it doesn't care but it forces you to carry on..in the tumultuous dust ..bareness..loneliness ..fooling yourself that everything will work out  but come on..

  I'm done with fairytales!!

Love is not a victory march but it's a cold and broken Hallelujah....

Looming in the horizone

I believe that that everyone has a missing peace of puzzle hiddem somewhere in this  tumultuous world.
A key that unlocks your soul and your deepest secrets just by giving you a glance when you're down in the dumps.When you're on an obscure and lonely route and you feel like you're being haunted by ill angels , you know who to confide to.When your thoughts are swept along like an avalanche or like a praire fire I know my best friend  will always be there..
This unconditional love can help you arise from the ash when you feel that you're tempered by guilt and fear ..Knowing that someone will stand by your side you will certainly conquer a crown and you will fashion an empire's glory .
However ,I would like to say that from my point of view ,true friends will always be there for eachother no matter what and everyone once in a while feels like stuking his head , oistrich -like in the sand and needs someone to help him see his problems froma different angle

On top of things

Ever had a wish? A wish soo big that seemed so incredible ...a wish so big that you're afraid to say it out loud because it might be taken from you....I believe everyone has one...A thought that makes your heart to skip a beat...and to feel your blood pump upon your veins ...No one can keep you away from it...This feeling it's just the fear of strike but as a substance it won't fade away if you realy believe in it...Dream . Hope.Believe that you can become the best version of yourself and this is something no one can take away from you.I was scared....was scared to disappoint my beloved ones ...to dissapoint me...but unless you try you'll never know.So, dear stranger, fight for it!Believe in it with all your heart !!!Never be afraid of telling everyone you're future plans.You will succed !!I guarantee!!

This is what i've learned recently...And I promise myself that I will make my life worth living..no matter what..

Out Of The Night That Covers Me (Invictus)

Out of the night that covers me,

   Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

   For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

   I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

   My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

   Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

   Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

   How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

   I am the captain of my soul.

Favourite poem :) 
 A Wonderful day!

Drunk with regrets

Tears floating along her hot cheeks...rolling slowly..leaving behind just the thought of something...something that is missed...something that needed to be taken cared of...she kept hopping..she kept dreaming ..along with her silver tears....waiting for something...maybe for the rain to take away her sorrows ..but the clouds wouldn't let their weakness to arise...but suddenly she stopped..with a glance she hesitated to look at it...but was  that her lost treasure, her missing piece of puzzle?"The light from his heart"she murmured..

"Yet-She had loved him sometimes.Often she had not"

True fact..

Unless...

 

-Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling. Who's frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. That feeling is a lie.

Halo

E.E. Cummings once wrote: 'To be nobody but yourself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.'

 

Pointless....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who knows what true happiness is,… not the conventional word,… but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, that wears a mask, the most miserable outcast,… hugs some memory,… or some illusion.

                        

Lost on the road...

Standing here...In absolut silence..no doubt  the darkness is hidding her reddish eyes..filled with tears that only the night  itself  had witnessed to..due there..in the infinite darkness she could see a tiny sparkling light ..a light of hope maybe..or what could it be? the shadow of a ghost that's been hunting her dreams and  wishes..But not knowing what it is really doesn't bother her...no choice..not this time..she lit her cigar ..and as she exhaled the smoke comes out from her lunghs in different figures....she got tired of her miserable life..she simply got tired...all the rutine...all her life..heartaches ..who bothers to care about it? who believes her when she telles them she ain't happy? all her stupid choices that got her where?in the abis of darkness..she feels trapped..she can't simply come out and start over..it's not that easy..not this time...she can't get up  as everything was the same..she's not the same..but i guess she'll be alright but just not today

Encounter to your old self..

Have you ever been absent?
 I mean I can't even believe how much i've missed from my friends life..it's like within thease 2 weeks in which i've been away everything passed away...nothing's the same ...so many major changes ..breakups...new relationships ..new friends ....what happend everything mocked away..I used to be 'the shoulder ' they cried on...i used to be their confident friend ..to whom they`ll confess their most hidden secret..but now..what i've become?
Too busy with my stupid little problems...not being able to hear their cry for help...not being present enough in their life....
When have i become so self-centred, so selfish, so snub, so shallow?

I'm sorry..I know i don't deserve forgiveness ..but though i'll try and make it up to you..hope it's not too late

Thoughts...

Sometimes I wonder if anything is absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong, good and bad, truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable? Left to interpretation.

Try not to end up in tears

Our story?
is simple...we  struggle..struggle for what? Fame,money, fantasy , celebrity, popularity....That strong ambition we all have to become someone well-known , respected , appreciated in one word ..close to perfection...And suddenly we reach a point where you become so self-centred that you lose yourself in  the pleasure of "winning"..let's face it, it's never enough, you'll never learn how to stop, you'll lose everyone , family , friends and even yourself will be lost in the shadow of unknown...
You'll always want more of everything aand you'll collapse for sure ...and you'll cross the line..you'll do things that you 've never thought   you'd do...And once you lost your dignity you lost everything..
 Today I learned that life is unfair ..it's just a mixture of vivid colours ...and you'll never get enough of each colour....and yet in order to appreciate happiness you must understand sadness ....and in order to learn how to smile ...you must understand tears..
 I must say that sometimes i'm just too busy with my 'small" problems to see that others are in need too..and it's not right ...because i 'm not there for them as they used to be for me...i guess i've become very selfish....and i don't know the reason...maybe i am not mature enough to accept my mistakes and to reach my best version..

Somebody's gonna wish that you were here ...

Boredom and Drama

I haven't written for a few days because i feel that my life got a very boring routine..Nothing espectacular ever happens, i mean , yes, i'm thankful for everything i get from heaven ..but I don't know something's been missing for a while and  i can't manage to replace it...I listen to old songs ...relive wonderful memories ..but honestly ..i just, don't feel the same as i used to ...I admit that it's been a hard week and i had lots of problems..but i guess succeded in passing them..I just wish for something...A DAY...in which everything goes perfect...things to be the way i want them...to stop making a fool out of myself...to act more mature ..and try to be more responsible...i m' trying ..a day without drama ..A day in which i can get all my heart desires....small things that mean so much..and i'm just hoping that MY DAY in which i'll totally shine will come...maybe tomorrow ..you'll never know..the future is like an ocean immens and unknown

Sometimes it's just too late....things cannot  always be changed...

The price you have to pay..

"You always pass failure on the way to success"-Mickey Rooney

From my point of view, I strongly believe that this statement is true because the way to success is very hard and only the best ones manage to reach to the top of their dreams..

I believe that if you are strongly motivated and you're willing to work your fingers to the bone nothing can't stand in the way of your accomplishements

In order to have the world to your feet you must work hard and you have to make sure that you don't end up on the wrong way..I think that failure is just a test that life givesso that you can become stronger and to see that you need to work harder in order to achieve your dreams..

Meeting failure can make some of us collapse, believing that you're not good enough , feeling that you let everyone down especially yourself .It's hard to keep going once you lost your self-esteem and when you have no hope that one day you're going to reach your dream.

But most of us manage to fight and see in this failure a way of proving to the world that they deserve to win and they become more ambitious than never and that's the key to success.

It's up to you , if you want to keep on fighting until you achieve what you want or you could just continue to be failure believing you'll never make it.

Turning pages..

"Poof" and all your tears,worries, fears,problems vanished into thin air!

if that was sooooo easy..you know.I even wish my feelings had an "on/off button" according to a sad/happy moment to push the button and"feel'

But life is not like this..you struggle and struggle until....until there is nothing left or? as soon as ou get something you want more, more and more and you forget to feel that"certain" joy when you achieve the thing you thought it was your "ideal wish", the thing /accomplishement you couldn't leave without..because you think afterwards that you could have done more.

.Honestly, I reached a point in my life when NOTHING is ever enough..I can't see the good in anything..not even in myself..i want more  ..i want to reach perfection even though i know this will only bring me misery and that's it..

Not pretty enough..not smart enough.. not slim enough...not courageous enough.not popular enough..not even LOVED enough..

Always worring what might X ,Y ,Z might think if i did that ..What if i'm not dressed well enough ...no one gets it but i'm tired ..of following the rules ..of being what everyone expects ...i feel sad, frustrated , angry ...but no one understands ...for everyone it's just another pointless drama ..

Been there ,done that

"People always change"
I guess this statement is just a mith.how can one human turn out to be different after a long/short period?

From my point of view ...not the human itself changes just our feelings.:rejection, lies,lonelyness.. I believe that it's up to you to either become a better or a worse version of yourself  for a while...because after a while you'll be like a bomb ready to explode and when the "tick-tack" reached the climax you'll return to the old "you"..you know? Sometimes a miss me...my old friends..and how we used to hang out all summer nights..walking under the big moon telling stupid jokes..laughing until my stomach hurts,taking photos , our "investigation nights"..our famous lemonade ..and yes gossipng:)) about all and nothing..but I guess that thease are just memories that will never come back..because we all barely speak to eachother..for all stupid reasons .I know we all made mistakes..and let each other down but i thought that a great friendship it's not thrown away after a few meanigless fights...I really miss spending time with them and letting them now that i'll always be there for them no matter what , but though I'm sooo tired being the only one that wants things the way they used to be...I pretend I'm fine..that I'm happy, accomplished..Always showing a big smile on my face no matter what..Because I want them all to know "what a strong person I am" but the truth is..I'm done ..I just want them to look into my eyes and see that pain hidden in the pride..I'm so tired of maskes , of  hidding what i really mean ..of not being able to admit my own feelings..

First love…

Loneliness..once in a while you embrace this feeling,surrounded by everyone you love but still feel it.I guess there is not a reliable explanation..

However, I suggest a small test…close your eyes…relax..wipe your worries away and clear your mind and soul …do you hear it?No? then you are missing something..lets try again…its there you can’t miss it…it’s crying for you…its hiting the rocks only for you..to come , to become ONE ..She's smashing herself on the sandy beaches for you…feel the breeze taking over your body..the salty air  surrounding you with all its kindness…Misterious ..calme..patient..she’s waiting because she knows deep down that you will return no matter what ..you’ll be there…I miss you and we will soon meet again ..my beloved   friend

Is it too late?

I know ..i’m selfish you’re right, but my ego is killing me…

I expect too much from people and I just can’t help myself not being furios when they don’t do as I please..i mean  I’m just sitting here waiting for you to do everything ..to get into my soul,my mind and “read it”as a list of wishes .Yes,the poor little rich girl is too scared to admit what she truly wants ..afraid to open her  heart and demand what she wants ..sometimes I wish you read my mind and see how much you mean to me ..how much I care and how much I want things to get better….i want things to fall from the sky ..anything and everything I want..but we can’t go on if you are the only one who is building the bringe ..we are so far away ..i want to help you built  it but everytime I try I mess things up because I don’t know what to do and how to handle things because I’m scared because I don’t want to get hurt..i’m afraid you’ll get tired of fighting for me and you’ll take me for granted…we’ll see after tonight whether or not , we are meant to be, even so..i just want you to be happy with or without me..and yes my world will probably fall apart but I’ll get better someday just not today

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from. The next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open up your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it, with all of your heart."

One Tree Hill

mistakes...

........

12.04.2012
 I haven’t written for a while maybe because I didn’t find the need  to express my true feelings  I’d rather remain stonned than have emotions and to leave everything just the way it is…no complication just the same boring routine..nothing new , nothing old but nothing the same …
After so much time when you figure out  that you don’t know a thing about your life ..in the  glance of a second the tiny drops of rain can change your personality and your perspective regarding  your entire existence

Old self

I'm so sick of us!
Sick of  the talking
Sick of hugs
Sick of missing you
Sick of memories
Sick of stories
Sick of hope
Sick of apologising
Sick of forgiving
Sick of thoughts
Sick of always being there
Sick of pretending to be ok
Sick of always showing that smile on my face
Sick of complaining
Sick of  fake love
Sick of tears
Sick of fairytales
Sick of your lies
Sick of not having the strength of telling you "NO" everytime you come to me
Sick of you...sick of us

hey stranger,

I was just wondering how is your life like? Are we alike? Do you have dreams? Are you in love?Do you feel in love, disappointed, helpless , hurt?

Ever since I was a little girl I was wonderring if there was actually someone on this planet who was doing the same things as i do…If they shared my thoughts my beliefs , they had a world similar to mine…It seems strange that there are7.004 billion people on this planet..not even two alike?

Do you believe in soul mates?Do you even know what you want?

Is he  haunting you too? Do you feel compelled and hypnotized by those big blue eyes? Answers? I guess it’s enough for once…But I’m too naïve to give up and I’ll keep on searching…even though I’m scared of what I might discover...

Once..unbroken

  It’s amazing ..isn’t it?To feel,to understand,to chat long hours about everything and nothing , it surely brings you memories..Tears? Not a single one ! For what? Everything is being taken for granted and that’s a thing that you will never change, no matter what ,you won’t succed in making it..

Memories…they exist you can’t erasse them, even sometimes you wish you could ..Take it as it is people always leave maybe you think I’m broken and that’s why I strongly believe it..,Yes, maybe I’m hurt , maybe I’m tired of all this, complaining, falling in and out of love, pretending that everything is perfect when it’s so clear that it’s not.

Everyone say that you may act dramatically but in the end no one knows what you are really going trough even they all pretend that they do.well, screw them thease  are just lies>innocent lies everything comes to an end…flames always become dust and it’s a thing that you can’t change it…Friends?Family?Lovers?Who cares? As a matter of fact you are the only one that is aware of your facts..If you want to be with a guy just what all you can and make it happen>You really want that scholarship, don’t you?it’s worthy ?do you really want it?Is it really your dream?Then if the question is “yes” what are you doing here feeling sorry for yourself?act and persuade your dreams.I know it requires time and you will definitely meet fails but think of them as a test for being sure that you really want it and that you are willing to fight for them no matter what.

As for love yes I guess it’s kinda  complicated and no one really has a reliable explanation because it’s the only thing that is connected to magic from this world.Some of us find it but don’t know how to keep it or how to make it  part of our lives and it slipps away eventually.Then we suffer all and all over again and we are broken and don’t know what to do.Just llike  all I do is sit around feeling sorry for what I used to have hopping that one day things are gonna change in better..it’s so boring realizing that all you cand do is feel sorry and sometimes you kinda need to get over it

Yes,it’s hard but who said it was gonna be easy?who said that all had  to be perfect/pink?Although worst things could happen

Sometimes you need to stop dreaming endless stories about perfect love , perfect dreams or a perfect life because they are just illusion.

Today...tiny steps back to the old you....

Today,I woke up realizing that everything changed. Now you wonder ‘how come?” everything seems so ordinary like you have the most boring life doing the same things everyday. Today …was a special day indeed, I took some steps back , looking back, last year was so different.I just realized how much I’ve grown ..Last year ,you were not there…I can’t even believe it , old friends became strangers in just a year , new love, my first kiss, tears of sadness , happiness , my broken ego, it can all tear you up in the end…But what can you say? It’ s all part of who you are…I guess that until now I’ve been through  a lot and just for one person who..a few months ago I didn’t know he even existed.I think that God decides who enters in your life and after that it’s up  to you….